A Goodbye That I Am Not Ready To Say

Hi! 

I wrote this post during CNY but I thought it was too sensitive to be posted on my blog. So it has been sitting in my draft for ages.

On 12th March 2015, my beloved grandfather passed away peacefully at the age of 83. He was a great man. Loving, caring and kind. Thank you for giving me such a warm family and a memorable childhood. I know you're finally happy being reunited with grandma. Forgive me if I've done any wrong to you. Next life, I want you and grandma to be my grandparents again.

I will miss you dearly.

Rest in peace yeh yeh.

Throwback
Time for a quickie post. It's 8:40pm now and it's the first day of Chinese New Year. Totally not a time to feel emo right, cause everyone is feeling so festive. But I have this torn in my heart that I can't seem to get rid off. 

The only solution that pop up is to write my feelings down. I usually don't like to post about personal stuff since I am a very private person and I don't see a need to post everything online. So yes if I share any of my personal problems with you, I really treat you as a very close friend. But today, I have this sadness in me that's too heavy to bear it on my own..

The story began 2 years ago when my grandmother who was very ill and passed away. It was expected but still very difficult for me. I have never been to a funeral or experienced any close relative dying so I have never felt such pain before. When she passed away, it took me a while to register and cry. I didn't cry until I saw her body. At that moment, all I can think of is that she looks so peacefully asleep. It's just..

Her chest wasn't moving up and down like how it usually does.

My grandmother was a relatively heavy woman. Needless to say, breathing was difficult for her. So her chest movement is usually quite obvious whenever she's sleeping. It was so hard for me to accept that she is now gone forever. No way for me to hear her laugh or talk ever again. To be frank, I wasn't very close to my grandmother. I guess she has too many grandchildren to be bothered with me. Plus I was the shy type not the manja type. 

But whenever I went over her house during the weekend, my grandparents were always there. Greeting us, feeding us and showing us love in their own ways. They would pat our heads, tell us once upon a time stories, show us pictures.. They were there when my sister graduated, got married and when I got my straight As. They aren't very wealthy but I can tell that they only wanted the best for us.

Then, things went downhill.

We grew up and got busy. They became old and got sick.

My grandma is gone.. I miss her so very much. 

Even though, my grandparents aren't very loving (and with occasional fights wtf), when my grandma died, my grandpa told her..

Don't run off too far. I will catch up with you soon.

Romantic yes. But since then, his health went downhill too. Call it superstitious but that's what the elders believe in. Never say such things in front of the dead. You'll be jinxed or something.

Anyway, this CNY, my grandpa's health is deteriorating fast. He couldn't sit up or stand up. He was very very sick. In Chinese's beliefs, some people possess the 'ability' to predict the future. And I was told that this will be the last CNY for my grandpa. He even told my cousin that he insists in giving us teh ang pau personally cause it's the last year he'll be able to do so.

Seeing him in bed, in so much pain and generally struggling aches me so much. I held back my tears when I said Gong Xi Fa Cai and please stay healthy. It was so hard for me. He used to love me so much. Cook a feast for us. He never miss frying eggs for us 3 sisters cause we really love it. His once-upon-a-time tales. Everything about him,

His gentle smile. His kind touch. His care for us.

I will never forget the best porridge was bought by him when I was little. Today, I prayed so hard to God so that He won't take him away. I am not ready to bid goodbye and I am unwilling to prepare myself mentally. We weren't close but without me knowing, he played such a big part in my life.

Please grandpa, get well soon.

We all still need you in our lives. More than you know.

Tearing up writing this... Life is so fragile. I really hope I spent more time with everyone.. especially my grandparents.

Alright, that's all for now. A simple dedication to my grandparents. Thank you for being in my life.

<3