When can a smile solve anything? How can a mere flex of your muscles help you in any way?
Well I guess when I smile, i get cookies.
Or when I pull vege out from the gap between my teeth, it makes people laugh (or puke in disgust).
Spot the green vege on my teeth? eek
But how powerful exactly is a smile? We still smile even after losing a tooth. Or two. We smile at strangers to show kindness. We smile everyday even when our teeth are crooked or not perfectly aligned.
But sometimes, a smile can be really special. It can be something that you'll remember and cherish forever.
In yet another morning that felt no different from any other day, I was sitting in my green office chair and mindlessly spinning my mechanical pencil. To any onlooker, I probably looked like I was deep in thought, reading some important document on my computer monitor, but my mind was actually imagining what other activities I could be doing this morning if I didn't have to work.
And it is on ordinary mornings like this that unexpected news will pop up of nowhere and throw you completely off course.
That morning, I received a phone call that threw me completely off course. That phone call made me flick my pencil away in nervousness. Everyday you answer the phone expecting to hear the same old sentences one after another.
"Hello! You wanna go out for yum cha?"
or
"Hey I'm not cooking tonight. We da bao okay?
or
"Hello miss, I am calling from XXX bank. Are you interested in getting this free credit card upgrade?"
I wasn't expecting to hear
"Girl, your grandpa. We couldn't wake him up."
I froze. A million thoughts went through my head but my number one concern is.. Was he still breathing? Apparently at that time he was but he can't seem to open his eyes.
The phone conversation ended. I leaned back all the way on my green office chair, staring at the monitor blankly. I read through an email but couldn't process the content at all. It felt like I was reading a book in hieroglyphics.
I called my sister. I called my father. I was anxiously waiting for another update.
I didn't consider taking the day off. But at lunch time, I decided to go to a temple. And pray. I guess at times like these, all you can think of is of a higher power. Because life is always out of our control.
6pm came. I cleared off the last bit of my work, shut down my computer and hurriedly left the office to go to the hospital. The scene from Bruce Almighty where he just swiped his fingers and the road cleared for him made me wish I had such superpowers too.
The whatsapp messages kept on coming in. Can you imagine how scary it is to get texts saying
"Girl, please make it to the ICU now. Your grandpa's in critical condition."
A total nightmare. The 1 hour journey felt like I was driving up from Singapore to Thailand.
The moment i stepped in the hospital, I felt like my heart just boarded the Titanic. Everywhere I looked, I saw the gloomy faces of people who were sick or had someone who was hospitalised. I inhaled and smelt the strong anticeptic smell present in all hopsitals. Navigating the hospital's emergency ward was like navigating a maze. I finally reached a long corridor and saw the familiar faces of my relatives.
I wanted to see my grandpa. I wanted to see him alive and well.
I walked into his room, saw my grandpa and tears started to flow. That same old guy who pats my head whenever he sees me; that same old guy that beat me climbing up the stairs to the top of the hills in Vietnam; that same old guy who has endless world war two stories and that same old guy who told me how our ancestors got here from China.
He was that same old guy. But now strapped on to many different machines. He was shaking on the bed as if he was struck with a really bad cold. His hands was strongly gripping to the side of the bed as if he was calling for help.
My heart broke into a million pieces. I can only cry. Cry because it's so hard to see him suffer. Cry because I am not ready to lose him.
Have you ever faced death?
Have you ever felt that overwhelming fear?
Have you ever wished that you had superpowers to make everything better but you realise it's impossible?
Standing next to him, I had a lot to say but no words came out from my mouth, as if a huge rock was stuck in my throat. I wanted to tell him so many things: please get better, I need you in my life, you haven't taught me the recipe for your awesome fried fish and fried eggs yet, you haven't seen me get married yet, please don't leave me.
But all that I managed to say was a simple, "Yeh yeh, I'm here."
We left the ICU at 10pm.
At 12am, when I was rolling on my bed after saying my prayers, another call came.
"Doctor said your grandpa is all better!"
Oh how I wish it's that sentence that greeted me.
"Your grandpa is leaving us. Please come to say your final goodbyes."
I jumped out of bed, put on a plain black tee, jeans and heading out to the hospital again. If the first time going to the hospital felt like driving from Singapore to Thailand, now it feels like I'm driving from Australia to Thailand. A seemingly endless journey. No one made a sound in the car. Our minds was too blank to process anything.
It's about 1am.
The doctor says that it's better if we take my grandpa off life support. Let him breathe his last breaths and peacefully leave this world.
All of us wanted to extend his life in any possible way. Inject him with more medications! More! But we also know that he's in pain. That it's his time to go.
We surrounded his bed. All of us can see him gasping for air like a broken vacuum. Everyone was crying.
Suddenly, he opened his mouth as if he wanted to tell us something. We got close to listen, but nothing came out. Not a sound. He was too weak to even say one word. But we all know what he wanted to say.
So, I gathered up some courage, smiled and told him.
"Yeh yeh, please don't worry about us. We will be fine. Go and be reunited with mah mah (my grandma)."
Upon hearing my words, everyone stopped crying and started smiling. With a crying tone everyone put up a smile and said,
"Please don't worry about us."
It was quite a dramatic scene. Everyone holding back their tears and putting on a smile so we could let our dear grandpa see our smiling faces last.
My grandpa stopped trying to talk. He simply opened his eyes wider to take one last look at all of us. His family. We are all here today because of him. We are what we are today because of him.
He slowly closed his eyes, looking very satisfied and managed to let out one last gentle smile. The ECG machine went from small continuous beeps, to a long beeeep. Indicating that my grandpa. Has passed away.
We cried ever harder now. But at least my grandpa left us with a smile and the last scene he saw was of his family, all with with smiling faces.
I know I am not a very good granddaughter. But I felt like I've done the right thing. By initiating a smile, everyone followed.
The power of a smile is not limited to making everyone happy. It's not only used to avoid an embarrassing situation. It's more than just smiling to attract the guy you're interested in.
Sometimes, a smile is all it takes to tell a person, "Yes i will be happy. You don't need to worry about me."
The final smile of my grandpa. I know that he's in a better place now.
Smile more everyone! Because people who loves you, would definitely want to see you smile more.
The Final Smile
